In 2017 I realized that watching Agents of SHIELD was a form of procrastination. There is something about watching teamwork that I found both relaxing and rewarding, but I knew there was better television and movies to watch.
I challenged myself with a vote for “No More Tights” and swore off superhero content.
In 2023 I moved the control of Super Hero Movies to the new Policy Votes, a system that allows for dynamic control by my shareholders. At some point the votes shifted from “No Super Hero Movies or TV” to “Watch ALL Super Hero Movies.”
There are a few ways to attack this problem. I could watch them at random, or order them by release date, but not having seen any of them allows for unique first viewing experience. This Letterboxd list orders all the MCU movies in the MCU chronological order, allowing me to watch the films in the same order as they would be experienced by the heroes themselves.
What follows is my notes and thoughts as I watch the 31 films of the MCU.
Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
Watched on June 1st, 2023.
Industrialist Howard Stark and a drunk German use blue goop and electricity to turn skinny Steve into a male model. Meanwhile in Germany, the evil Hugo Boss builds a blue gun by embezzling from the Nazi party.
Male model Steve goes on a USO tour and gets bullied by the troops. To prove himself as a “real man” he sneaks off to fight his way into Hugo Boss’ factory. He starts a prison riot and Hugo realizes the male model is too much for him and runs away.
Steve moves to England and starts an all male revue called “Top Squad.” They go on a murder spree across Europe, which is filmed and shown back home in the United States as an Emmy winning docu-series.
After losing his best friend in a poorly planned train heist Steve goes full suicide mission into an enemy bunker. The plan is very dumb, but it works. Hugo has to run away again, but this time he takes off in his stealth bomber. Steve gets on the plane and punches Hugo. Hugo uses the blue color to teleport into the Valhalla and Steve has to crash the plane into the wastelands of Canada to save America, where he (and the blue cube) is frozen until he wakes up in the present day.
Captain Marvel (2019)
Watched on June 1st, 2023.
There is only one rank in the Superhero world, and it is CAPTAIN. (I guess The Mouse felt like they had to defend the name against Shazam, who is also known as Captain Marvel, but is not a Marvel character.)
Veers is a woman with blue blood who lives in a cyberpunk city of bug people with Jude Law. They all worship some kind of fucked up artificial intelligence Mom. Veers and Jude Law are part of cyber SEAL team that use teal colors against the purple color.
In a battle Veers is captured by the shape changing lump faces who use purple and they play her mind like a VCR. She escapes and crashes into a Blockbuster video on Earth. The lumpy faces follow her and want to kill her and also kill Agent Fury for reasons that are not clear. Agent Fury kills one of them and peeks at the dead alien penis.
It turns out that Veers was a human soldier who shot a blue thing and absorbed it’s power (kind of like Captain America actually) and then got recruited into the Space Marines when she lost her memory. Veers decides to help the lumps and turn against Jude Law and the space SEALs. They get the blue cube that Hugo Boss used and feed it to a cat.
She turns invincible and kills a bunch of people and scares off the Blue Man Group who have decided to bomb earth. Agent Fury decides it’s a good idea to have invincible friends.
UPDATE: On June 3rd, 2023 the Policy Vote for Super Hero Movies shifted again, putting No Super Hero Movies or TV back in the lead spot with 60% approval.